I write this to you as a warning for your life. Below is my story. It's been a bit of a revelation these last few years, and I wanted to share it with you because I want it in the open. I want people to know that their life matters. Every decision, every turn, every move you make, matters.
Let's start here: For many people who know me, I've always seemed to have a one-track mind, a singular focus for particular subjects like my obsession with golf, my affinity for the cinema, and in my younger years, a love of sharks. This is due to my Asperger's Syndrome, a mild case, but nonetheless diagnosed. I learned only about things that interested me, and minimal amounts of anything else. A habit I still carry with me, albeit not as severely.
I'm someone whose entire life has been about avoiding failure and taking the easy way out. I never saw failure as an opportunity for growth and self-reflection on my character. Instead, I saw it as an indicator that I was worthless or didn't fit into that particular field. It's why I quit fishing as a kid. I cast my line into a tree multiple times and that was that. It's why I'd be lazy in theater because I thought I was brilliant and could just throw in the towel. It's how I wrote short film scripts, why I didn't learn the technical craft of piano in my youth and the technical craft of film in adulthood. I figured people would just tell me what to do and that way I never had to truly master the art and craft of something. Learning stuff I don't necessarily want to, who does that? A more well-rounded understanding of things leads to better overall creativity and a more fulfilling life? Who would have thought?
As I've grown older, I've come to know so much more about myself as a person, the mistakes of the past hopefully leading to the prospect of a bright present and a more hopeful future. But honestly, that hasn't happened. Not in the slightest most meaningful way. I've never learned from my mistakes, living in a constant cycle of bad habits, the true definition of insanity.
The thing is, there's a moment in your life where you look at yourself in the mirror, and the facade of your youth, the delusions of grandeur, the veneer of the lies you've told yourself is peeled away and you see something you've never seen before. You don't see the person you want to be, the person you hoped to be, you see the person who you are, the culmination of the decisions of your entire life.
I've seen this person in the mirror. The man I hoped to see is nowhere to be found.
In this mirror stands a bloated corpse, a man who is lazy and reliant on fast food and shortcuts, a man trying to escape the hard choices leading to a better life. The refusal to ask for advice, the stubbornness in doing only what he wanted, blocking out all other ideas and help for what his future could hold, simply because he thought he knew better. That's me. That unfortunately, is me.
You see, for the longest time I told myself I wanted to do film, I wanted to make movies. I went to college to be an actor. I was challenged by a professor, and wilted like a plant. That was it. One play and getting yelled at multiple times was enough. What a fragile and weak young man.
I saw The Dark Knight later that year and thought, this, this is what I want to do. So therein started my love of film. I was a cocky bastard in college, thinking I knew so much when in reality I knew next to nothing.
I still don't.
My technical skills are laughable. But still, I told myself, this is what I wanted to do. No room for anything else, this was it, even though I had no idea where to begin.
I still don't, 8 years later.
But who would ask for help? Not me. But somehow I got lucky. I had, still have, an amazing connection, which landed me my first paid gig.
I worked two large-scale gigs in Milwaukee as a Production Assistant, hoping that would get my foot in the door of the industry, maybe leading to future work.
That never happened.
Was it my business cards? Was I that off-putting of a person? Maybe I was with all I'm revealing to you now. So instead of working harder at it, ferociously looking for more work, trying to build connections and growing as an artist, I repeated my past. I looked for something else to pay the bills and take the easy way out. Why take the risk? Why dabble my foot in chaos when I simply could go back to the rigid product of order?
I then moved to Arizona and worked at a high-end golf club, nothing film related for 90% of the time I was there, but I still "wanted to do film." I enjoyed my time there. I loved most of the people I worked with and made great friends, but ultimately, still no closer to the goal of what I thought I wanted. And as I sit here now, helping a friend do some writing, I'm no further in this goal than I was 6-8 years ago.
Every great character in a film or television series has a fatal flaw in the beginning, a lie they tell themselves to keep their existence intact. If they don't have that flaw, that weakness, they're unrelatable. Maybe this is my fatal flaw, the lie I continue to tell myself that this is what I want, to be a part of the creative world, of the film industry.
Every conversation I've had with a filmmaker who does it full time is great, but there is a gap, a canyon between us.
I'm not one of them.
I'm a hobbyist who wants to be a professional, but I'm nowhere near close to their levels of expertise, whether it be a vast knowledge, or a primitive one. I can't relate. I've told myself this lie over and over again. I want be a writer, I want to direct. If that's the case, what have I done to move towards this goal? Not much. There will be the occasional gig that will occur every blue moon, a writing thing here or there will pop up, but that's it. The pain of knowing what to do and refusing to do it consistently is infuriating, and there is no excuse for it.
And most recently, discussing with my sister and my therapist, the reality is that depression is now become a major function in my life. The constant sadness and bitterness, the longing for any kind of human contact, the incessant questioning about relationships and my place in them, the insecurities and fear of failure, the thoughts of suicide, death, and my place in the world are overwhelming. I ponder in these moments, as anyone does, wondering: Would it matter? Would it matter if I died today?
Honestly, I don't know.
All I know is this: I am sitting here because of the choices I've made in the last 10 years of my life, and it is my own fault. Writing this here, it makes me wonder what could have been? The incessant thoughts are enough to drive a person insane.
No matter what anyone tells you, every second of your life counts.
Every single one.
When I played college golf and had a 40 footer for par, I thought this doesn't matter, I'm not going to make it anyway. WRONG. Every time you say that to yourself, every minor moment you give in to that small temptation it grows like a poison. 4 years ago, I weighed 80 pounds less than I do now. The small chipping away of fast food did its damage, and I never thought it at the time, but those small decisions grow into a mountain bigger than you can fathom. Every single time.
So here I am, a college graduated Uber driver who does some writing here and there, some editing, golfs from time to time, reads a few books, or plays that certain Beethoven piece on the ivories. I haven't moved into a field which I've vowed I want to be in, and sit here writing this post while looking out my window, the yellow street lamp gleaming in the darkness. No prospects. Nothing.
Even through all the sadness and inability to grow of my own volition, I've been very blessed with the most amazing and talented people I can possibly imagine. Every single one of you in your own way is making the world a better place, and for that I commend you. Your courage to brave the world, to fight for who you want to become, is of the utmost admirable quality.
Don't be like me.
I've made every excuse known to man for not following through, for not being the man I ought to be. I've used people, I've been mean to others, I've been awful in relationships, I've been lazy, I've been rude.
For all those I've hurt in the past, for those with whom I've treated poorly, I'm sorry. It may not matter now and it may never matter, but I want you to know I've thought of it often. You deserve so much better.
But out of the darkness in this moment, a light shines. There is hope for the future.
I'm not all awful all the time I've come to notice. I'm a funny guy(with puns anyway). I think outside the box. I can play piano relatively well. I have a minimal knowledge in many topics. I can golf and I can do a pretty solid Gollum impression(just ask, trust me).
Even with all the things I've done wrong, all the horrible decisions over the years, I can still win in life. I can still do the right thing, right now in this very moment.
If I'm 28 and can turn it around, no matter who you are or where you are, I'm pulling for you. It is never too late. Always remember that.
Life is full of so many amazing opportunities to go and be something, anything, so go out there and do it. Don't waste away waiting for the perfect opportunity. Work your ass off. You never know where a door might open. Don't think you know it all, you don't, and you never will. Don't say I'll do it tomorrow, do it today. Don't be an observer in your own life. Be the one who lives within it.
Maybe one day I can join you. Maybe one day I can say with you, I'm living the dream, and mean it.
God bless you on your journey there, and let's live that dream, whatever it may be.
Cheers,
Caleb
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